Giving and receiving feedback is a crucial part of building healthy, high-performing teams. Receiving feedback from others is also one of the best ways to learn about yourself and develop. A culture of giving and receiving constructive feedback helps build a culture of openness and trust, which is particularly important in distributed teams.
When we think about feedback in the workplace, we often focus on "negative", or "critical" feedback. However, giving and receiving "positive" feedback is just as important.
In an office, we often provide micro-feedback to people by smiling, nodding or just listening attentively. In a remote environment we need to be a little more intentional with this – especially when we're working asynchronously. Here are some ways you can do this:
- If someone posts an update on slack, respond to it – either with a comment or an Emoji response. Micro-feedback like this adds up over time.
- Many slacks have a
#shoutoutschannel where you can call out other people for doing good work or helping you. Use it. - Is someone does a great job or helps you out, always message them to say thanks.
Of course, not all feedback is as easy as a quick Slack message...
Giving feedback
The first rule of giving feedback is to be nice about it.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) provides a useful model for giving feedback to others and is applicable to all aspects of your life, not just remote work.
It's based on the idea that people resort to 'violent' modes of communication when they don’t know how to use effective strategies for meeting the needs of all parties. Violence in this case refers to communication that induces fear, guilt and shame in the other person, instead of working with them to find a beneficial solution that satisfies everyone.
This is the communication pattern at its core:
When ____ [observation], I feel ____ [emotion] because I’m needing some ____ [universal needs]. Would you be able to ____ [request]?”
- State factual observations about the situation that is affecting you.
- State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you.
- State the need that is the cause of that feeling.
- Make a concrete request for action to meet the need you just identified.
Here's an example...
Felix, when I see socks under the coffee table [observation] I feel irritated [emotion] because I am needing more order in the room that we share in common [need]. Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine? [request]
Here's a detailed article on using this model and why it works so well...
Receiving feedback
No matter how it's given, most people's natural reaction to "critical" feedback follows the pattern below. We often begin with denial, before moving on to defense. When that doesn't work we try to explain or excuse, before eventually understanding what's being said to us and (maybe) changing our behavior in response.
If you want to be good at receiving feedback, the first step is to recognise that these stages are natural and that the lower steps are usually driven by emotion. The more you're able to recognise your emotional response to feedback, the easier it is to separate them from the more useful steps in the staircase: understanding and (potentially) change.
Here are some tips to use when someone gives you feedback:
- Treat it as a gift 🎁. Someone is taking time out their day to tell you something about yourself – the opportunity to learn from it is a gift. And just like a gift, we get to choose what we do with it after it’s been given.
- Keep an open mind. The feedback you are being given could be right and might help you. Being open to the possibility that even if it seems 98% “off the mark,” it’s worthwhile to look for the 2% truth.
- Don’t Shoot The Messenger. We often have a reaction to the person who is giving us the feedback, rather than hearing what they are trying to say. We need to be able to separate the “who” from the “what”.
- This is not about your Identity. The feedback you are receiving is not a judgement on your personality. The story you tell yourself about the feedback you receive has everything to do with how you feel about it. It’s the feedback we have for ourselves that is often the most detrimental to our identity. See feedback for what it is, which is suggestions on how to get better at something.
- Listen to Connect. Listen to connect, not correct. Learn to listen with curiosity. Listen to understand the giver’s perspective. Even with perfect intentions, our actions sometimes can have an unintended impact. Feedback can reveal your blind spots, so be open to looking for the 2% Truth.
- Check For Understanding. The giver of feedback may think they have been very clear on what they have said. You may be pretty sure you have understood. But in the words of Pentagon Spokesman Robert McCloskey: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” Summarise and repeat back the feedback so you’re both clear.
- Pause – Count to 10. This will give you time to be mindful of your immediate reactions, and reign in your amygdala, leaving your “thinking brain” operational so you are open to receive and process the feedback.
- Focus on What You Have Learned. It is your choice to implement the changes suggested in the feedback. Asking yourself ‘What would I do differently next time?’ is a great way to ensure you have learned something.
- Say Thank You 🙏. Even if you don’t agree with the feedback on this occasion, let the giver know you value their feedback. It’s just good manners and helps encourage future feedback.
Choosing the right medium for feedback
Different people will have different preferences when it comes to giving and receiving feedback. Some prefer it asynchronously so they have time to digest it on their own. Some prefer it in person over zoom so they have a chance to ask questions.
When giving feedback, think about (or ask about) the best medium for delivering it. And if you know your own preference, communicate this to your team so they know.
Summary
Giving and Receiving feedback well is a crucial skill in any environment. But it's especially important in a remote environment because it will inevitably be given asynchronously or over video.
